Rose Colored Insanity

Savage Glee

Wow. That is a very unique concept, writing from the point of view of a harpy! I was fascinated. You have a very good writing style, and I didn't notice anything on the first reading to distract me from my focus on finding out, first, what the narrator was, and after I found that out, if she got away safely.

I have a hard time believing a harpy can be likeable enough to be a main character- and she does sneer at the people she's stealing from, and has threatened them- but I would definitely read on to find out. I'm sorry, I don't have much to say about this one because your writing is excellent, and the way you introduce the harpy is interesting and makes us care about what happens to her. I'm just very startled at the concept, and while I would read on there would be a little bit of distance there, because I know what harpies are generally thought to be like, and it would be hard to identify with that sort of character. Usually as a reader I like to put myself in the main character's shoes- here that would be hard, is what I'm trying to say. But it's very well executed!

Overall, I definitely liked this. You raised interesting story questions- what happened to his eye? What exactly was the girl crying about? I really liked the last paragraph- well, from "He knew the suffering.." to the end. It pulled the two of them together very cleverly.

There are a few small things that don't work well: "Suddenly, without warning, his gaze slipped to a spot behind him"- it's not really believable that his own gaze would slip without his having directed it. You could replace this with "He noticed a young woman, a few seats up..." or something. Also, "His curiosity turned him from his ill thoughts for the first time in many days" is very awkward, and makes the character sound very passive.

At this point, I would definitely read on because of the story questions you raised, but I think you could make it even more enticing by adding a few interesting details about what, exactly, Fernao (pardon the lack of tilde, Blogger doesn't seem able to do that) is going to be facing when he goes home. You throw out a lot of enticing hints, so that we know whatever happened to his eye is a reminder of "what he'd done to his family", but I think you could pick a few choice details that will show us why going back is hard for him, and why we should care that it's going to be hard for him. Does that make sense? I'm not saying you need to reveal your entire plot in the first page, but let us get to know Fernao a little more deeply than you are curently.

Comments welcome!

I got a comment asking for a critique, but the author wasn't sure if I was still accepting requests because the first page contest was officially over. While I'm watching the contest eagerly to see who wins, the reason I offered critiques is because all the people who aren't in the final 6 won't get any feedback from Nathan. That's still true, even if the contest is over. Everyone who posted a first page is going to go back to work on their projects, and if anyone still wants a critique, I'm definitely still willing to give them.

I'm so glad someone else asked for a critique- I don't have a lot of time to do these, so I had talked myself out of just going through the comment thread on Nathan's blog and doing them wholesale, but if someone *asks* for a critique, well, then I feel obligated! And I like doing them, so this is a good thing.

17. David Wisehart, Red Wedding - I love the opening description of the storm. I would definitely keep reading this one- the humorous tone is very nice. Zoey seems a little nutty, but that's part of what makes it interesting. One thing I did notice- while I love the opening description, some of your similes are distracting. I think coming up with non-cliche similes is definitely one of your talents, but you should use it a little more sparingly. There were at least three in the first page- the storm in the beginning, then Zoey's underwear, and then the "skull cracking under an avalanche of boulders". That last one came out of left field, and really pulled me away from the story. I also might try to work in a little more of what Zoey's attitude toward Peter is; I couldn't tell if she was really in love with him or if the book was going to head in the opposite direction and she would find out she didn't want to marry him after all. But then again, I should have learned my lesson from Nathan's post about first pages (see my last post). I think that principle can apply to more than just action; this is a novel, you have an intriguing first page, and you don't have to show me how all the characters feel about all the others all at once.

18. Jordan, The Incredible Blanco Brothers - Jordan says she's been getting conflicted advice on her opening. Well, I haven't seen any of it, so I'm pretty unbiased. You'll have to let me know where I fall on the scale of responses.

I really liked this. The writing really pulled me in. No distracting tics or overwriting or anything, just solid, descriptive writing. It's in a very passive voice, and I bet you're getting some responses harping about that, but I thought it served as a very good introduction to a complex character. I liked his motives for dying his hair, I liked his father's reaction, I was interested in the home life he must have. I did get a little confused was when you switched from the backstory to the present - "The ridicule, however, continues to come." I thought the "one of them would say" was a little weak- who are "they"? Just the kids at school? This seems like it's build-up to the reveal of Ansel's full name, but I think that could be tightened up a little. Also, the "you see" was distracting- I got pulled back out of Ansel's head, and a narrator came between us. Maybe that's going to be part of the book's style, but if not, I think that could come out without weakening the sentence. You've made me like the main character, I can see what some of the conflict is going to be, and I want to know what happens next. I don't have any idea where the book is going to go from here- but I'd keep reading to find out.

As always, let me know what you think. If you've read Jordan's or David's work and agree or disagree, I'd be interested to know.

If you stumble on this page, like what I've done so far and want your own critique, leave a comment, and I'll be glad to give one- it just might not be right away. I don't think I'm going to try to critique everyone who has posted in Nathan's comment thread about being open to critiques- there are just too many. I would never get my own story written! I like this method better, where you can see what I've done for others and ask for a critique if you like what I'm doing.

Also, feel free to comment about the other critiques. I'm always trying to learn, and I'm certainly not an authority on this subject. Yet. ;-)

A few quick critiques to start the morning- more bracing than caffeine. As always, my opinions are my own, and while I love to generate ideas and offer suggestions, the critiqued should feel free to ignore them. ;-)

13. Brigid, Wicked Sensibility - I love urban fantasy! Although I didn't get to find out what was fantastical in this one. Still, it's a well-written first page. I noticed a slight tendency to overwriting- examples are "Rebecca flung herself into the car in a vain attempt to escape the nighttime November cold." and "He hesitated, and she was sure he was going to refuse or take some action borne of desperation." The phrasing doesn't seem quite natural, and interrupts the flow of the story. Overall, though, I think this is a good first page: action right away, believable reaction by the main character, you've raised story questions I want to know the answer to (what is he hiding from? why is he bleeding? etc). Actually, on second thought, I might move the action a little closer to the beginning- do we really need to know it's cold and November and Maryland right away? Could you work that in when he's getting out of the car- that might be more natural than the detailed description of his clothes (would she really be paying so much attention to clothes in that situation?), his open door lets in the cold November air, or something? And then just start with "There was a man in her car."

Okay, I'm getting too long with these again. It's just so much fun...


14. Christy, Viva! - I think I would start with "The numbers on the bedside clock", and work in the bit about loud music later when you say the music gets turned up. If I hadn't been reading this with a view to critiquing it, I think you would have lost me in that first paragraph, because I didn't know why I should care that the music is giving someone a headache... But once I know she's a prostitute who doesn't seem to want to be one, it gets interesting. That's your hook, and what will make me want to keep reading. (This entry was short, so that's probably why the critique is short. And here I thought I was getting better!)

15. A. Genova, For Sparta - Oh, wierd. a friend's WIP has a villain by the name of Melaina, which is not exactly a common name. I'm guessing she's not the villain in your story, let me adjust my thinking. Okay. The writing is good. You work description into action nicely- I especially like the part when she runs up the hill. But I wound up a little confused. I think this is possibly because I have no idea what the story is about at this point, and if I were an agent I would have already read your query and know a little more about what was going on. The first three paragraphs seem to be a childish game of hide-and-seek, although I didn't realize she was a child until she "flung her small body" behind the tree. But then the "Melaina, you can't hide from me forever" line sounded more sinister than I expected. Still, she was *grinning* as she hid from him... but then she's chanting in her head for him not to find her. I like the revelation of character in the scorpion encounter- she's not going to let her fears make her do something she doesn't want to, even if she *is* a child. I think I want to know more about what's at stake- is it really a simple game of hide-and-seek? Is the scorpion really harmless, or is she in danger? If it is just hide-and-seek, then I'm not sure this is the right place to start, because there's no conflict, just a fond memory or a child having a fun time with a...brother or father or friend. I want to know that too- who's looking for her?

16. Jessica, Repose - Love this. You have a fabulous way with words, they seem to flow almost.. magically. So I'm going to focus on the problems- I didn't realize at first that Mairead had just entered the cellar, I spent the first few paragraphs wondering if her mother had locked her in or something. Also, I thought she was much younger, and the soldier's fingers on her thigh gave me quite a start- I thought it was going to be an abuse story. These things are easily cleared up- make her close the door before she leaned against it, maybe say "her mother hadn't told her stories like that for years" instead of just a long time, which can mean something different to a young child. Now, why doesn't she know the soldier's name? That bothered me a lot, it didn't immediately seem to fit with the character. She seems like a rebellious young girl, sneaking off to meet a lover while her mother is away- not knowing the name of who she's going to sleep with puts it on another level entirely. That's pretty trashy, and might make her a little too unlikeable? I'll finish up with more praise- strong voiced character, you pulled us right into the story, it's easy to see that there's conflict between the girl and her mother. I'd definitely keep reading.

I only hope I'm not getting in over my head.

I noticed Chro over at Journey of the Scribe is doing critiques too. I liked his idea of a disclaimer so much I'm going to do it too.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not published. I haven't even tried yet, and couldn't enter this contest because I'm in the replotting stage of my first ever manuscript, and didn't have a polished front page. That said, I've been a voracious reader since I was four, and I know enough about what writing should be like to have been able to realize that said manuscript needed reworked. Besides, it's not like this is costing you anything. ;-)

6. kelly maher - Okay, I didn't see where the mystery came in. I'm really not familiar with cozy mysteries, or mysteries of any kind, so feel free to disregard my opinions! ;-) I thought there was too much back story- almost the entire page was backstory. We need to know it, but there must be a better way to work it into the current scene then an inaudible conversation. I guess what I'm looking for is more action. Also, I like the opening thought, but I think you could lose the cartoon bubble line, which was confusing. The italics conveys that she's not saying it aloud.

7. taylor (Valden's Heir) - Cool concept, making the pov a dinosaur, but one of the things a first page is supposed to do is make us care about the main character, and I'm afraid I didn't. I'm wondering if it's just because he *is* a dinosaur, and so I have less ways to relate to him, or because the only thing I know about him is he's a loner. That helps a little, but in general we need to know what the main character cares about, what their ambition is, etc in order to care about what happens to them. His ambition seemed to be eating ferns. I imagine cows think about grass a lot, and I'm not exactly a vegetarian. What are Igasho's problems? Are there bullies in the herd? How old is he- a kid? An adult with kids? If he's a kid, is there a female Kentosaurus that he's into? In other words, what does he do besides eat ferns?

8. vinnie sorce, jimmy vincent - Um, "nasal passages"? That's a really wierd way to phrase that feeling... Okay, the voice made me smile for the first half of the page, but by the end of it, I was ready to stop reading. Now, my husband would probably feel differently, but I'm a total goody-goody, and while I might *think* all those idiots out there on the roads deserve what Jimmy Vincent is giving them, he gave me the creeps. So, sorry, not fond of your concept, but your ability to create a character using narrative voice is impressive. Objectively, there's not a lot of action happening in the beginning, which is often a fault, but I think your character's voice is strong enough to pull people into the story in spite of that.

9. cat - Do you have any idea how many people used the word "cat" in their entries? It was hard to find yours. Anways. I like the character's voice, but I have no idea where the story is going. Who is Dean? What's his relationship to the main character? Why was it such a bad thing for him to squeeze her hand? If I already knew both characters, I think it would be a great scene. Your writing style started out awkward for the first two paragraphs, and then you seem to have gotten more comfortable and everything flows nicely. On the first paragraph/sentence: we already know it was a multi-syballic pronunciation, I'd try something like "That was a sure-fire indicator that the man sprawled across my passenger seat..." On the second para/sent: Is she really aware that her mouth is in a grim line? Couldn't she just clench her teeth?

I have got to make these shorter, or I'll never have time to do them all.

10. tiffany aller - I'm afraid I just wound up confused. Why does he have to kill people to get his DNA? Why does he refer to whoever arrived in the alley as "the other"? That's persistant, but I had a hard time understanding if it was a non-human, and so should be capitalized, or was just meant to be a quirk in the way he referred to them. Overall writing style- you seem to throw in sentences that aren't necessary, which slows the story down. Do we need to know there's water dripping? From that sentence, I expected the water dripping to be significant later. And "Following the instructions of his own directive for this operation" and then he just leans against the wall. That seemed like a little bit of overwriting. I like the concept of the rest of the book- but I'm not sure the prologue is going to be useful to the reader until after they've already read the rest of it and know more about the bad guy.

11. jennifer walker - I like the concept, but you're giving us a lot of backstory without any action. I think a lot of that backstory could be worked into a conversation with Fran. That's where I thought the page really got interesting- when Kathryn answered the phone. Another concern is that there was no conflict (maybe that's because it was all backstory? I'm learning here too.)- in a story like this I want to know what Kathryn is going to do, now that her daughter's gone, and who's going to oppose her in it. I'm guessing that's where the conflict will be. Maybe I critiqued this one too much like a pitch, expecting all that in the first page? I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I hadn't come to the part about Fran, I probably would have put the book back on the shelf, because I don't yet care about Kathryn in particular.

12. scott - This was another one from that bunch I read in the beginning that really caught my attention. Good setup, and I like your characters- very quirky. I'm just not sure where the story is going, but I would have read on based on the strength of the characters. You're obviously a good writer, and your descriptions create a good sense of surroundings without slowing down the story. No suggestions.

I welcome comments about my comments- I'm learning a lot from critiquing these. Thanks for the opportunity.

Well, just one critique. I *do* have a job I'm supposed to be doing, but this is so much fun!

13. ros - I really like this. Daniel seems like a very three-dimensional character, with very believable human responses (how it was a relief to go to the shrine after his wife miscarried). There's a lot of backstory here, but it is logical because of what he's doing- he's praying for a son, of course he's going to think about what's happened so far. My only concern is the last paragraph- where he regains some hope. That provides some premature resolution to the tension you were building. What I'd like to see instead of that is some action- but maybe it's just because I'm such a fantasy nut that I see an opportunity for the god to come to life or an angel to appear. Also, your use of the name Daniel and praying to the god El and the mention of palace made me think this was meant to be the biblical Daniel, but then I don't remember him having a wife named Danatiya? So maybe some more clues about the world this takes place in would be helpful.

I hope I don't come across as inconsistent about backstory in a first page. I think it's fine if it's woven into what's happening. Just a big info dump doesn't help pull us into the story.

451 entries and counting! At least we have a slightly better chance against in the real world; I imagine it's rare that an agent receives 500+ submissions in one day.

About the critiquing flare-up: I'm really surprised that not everyone wanted critiqued by as many people as they could get. I entered Nathan's first line contest, and was thrilled whenever someone posted what they thought about my entry. But I can understand Nathan's desire to keep the contest fun. Besides. I really wanted to critique all the entries, remembering how much I liked the feedback, but I didn't have time to do all of them. This makes it much more manageable (I hope).

So I'm going to be offering my opinion of the entries by those who want to be critiqued, presuming I can find out who those people are. I think one of the best things about this kind of informal contest is the connections with other readers and writers.

As of 10:06 AM, the following people had posted on Nathan's site wanting a critique:

1. jordyn (#117) - I really liked the character's voice, I liked what I could see of the conflict- pretty sister vs. smart sister. But the whole entry seemed to be backstory. So far, nothing has happened in present tense. I'd also take out the paragraph about what she did as teacher's aide, it's a definite tangent and doesn't move the story forward. And I can tell you're going for a dramatic effect with all that buildup to the "Guys love Caris." line at the end, but even your character says she should have seen it coming. With all that talk about how beautiful Caris was, I think your readers will have seen it coming as well.

2. allen b. ogey - This one caught my attention yesterday when I skimmed through the first 30 or so entries, and was one of the entries I read all the way through. Still, your first line is a little cliche, I'd start with the second line. And I might object to the use of "bestir"- what farm kid knows that word? (I grew up in a farming community in MI). But you have strong characters, and I can see that there's conflict between the siblings- my concern is the likeability of the main character. I'm fine with his fighting with his brother, but when he pinched his own sister's butt I got a little nervous.

3. angela (#350 liar-ya) - Love your opening line! And I got chills at the end of chapter 1. Your character has an interesting voice, and you've created a strong picture of what their family was like and what it's becoming. This is really good. I'm not sure where you're going with it, but I would definitely keep reading to find out. Complaints: FiFi?? Yikes. It kinda fits with sibling fights, I imagine, but it sounds fairly stupid (my apologies if it was a real name). And the last paragraph at the end of chapter one didn't make any sense to me. I think you could take that out without losing anything.

4. beth (the read thread) - Fantasy! Yay! (Sorry, I'm biased.) I love this opening line as well. This is another one that caught my eye when I read the first thirty or so posts. Back when there were only thirty or so posts. I love the situation you've thrown your characters in, but the constant shifts between viewpoints makes this almost unreadable. My opinion is that you should stick with one POV per scene or chapter or some other sort of boundary. You might be able to get away with switching POV once in a scene if you stayed with the first person for awhile, then stayed with the second person for the rest of the scene, and you had a good reason for switching. This post at Ray Rhamey's Flogging the Quill site backs me up. ;-)


5. aimless writer - Ooh, is this the one from the pitch contest over on BookEnds where she saw the serial killer and got away, and had to help the police find him? Excellent! I loved that pitch. And this is a very well-written first page, by which I mean the quality of the writing didn't distract at all from the story. My only problem is that I didn't realize she was psychic until I saw your tag line at the bottom of the entry. I started wondering if *he* was psychic, and got a little confused about why she was panicking. But if I'd read the blurb on the back of the book and knew what I was getting into, that would clear up. I really like how you're explaining the killer's motivation. Fabulous.

I'll check Nathan's blog later to see who else is looking for critiques. So much fun!